i really really hate vivah

a bad faith review of this corny ass movie

Obvious disclaimer: this is written and reviewed in bad faith. you’re allowed to like the movie, i’m simply being a hater. thank you.

---

If you asked me to describe what this movie was about, I’d ask you to put on your parent’s shaadi tape from the early 2000’s and it’d have a major 97% accuracy, minus the bizarre sunflower-head edits and ghoulish bridal makeup. This movie is propaganda ( a bad one at that), for, you guessed it, vivah. Very subtle, and if you still didn’t get it, the self-appointed of our FMC says it about a million times in the beginning of the movie. He says it whiles the young girl is playing with dolls, while talking to anyone else, he’s obsessed with getting her married off. He also has another daughter, who is dark-skinned, played by a dark-skinned actress. Just kidding, it’s a fair actress with foundation shades three times her skin tone lathered over her. She really isn’t relevant, because like the audience, the father also forgets she exists. Till now, we’ve established the sole purpose of the father is to get his elder daughter married and nothing else. The FMC is perfectly happy with that decision because she has the personality of wet cardboard. She is if the colour beige was a person draped in salwar and shame.

Let’s meet our MC: a supposedly gentlemanly dude heeding his father’s wishes for making a legacy of his - just kidding, he wants him to get married. He is reluctant till he sees the FMC. ( Poonam, FINALLY remembered her name). Poonam offers Prem “aap jal lenge and our guy is in love. how cute. The marriage is fixed and the next solid hour is wasted in montages of Poonam blushing and whispering and Prem being just as insufferable. That bitch’s voice doesn’t even raise above an octave, her head never fully straight, like a ill-grown plant. All Prem does is sneak calls and seems to gain wayyyyy too much pleasure from her whispers ( the network wasn’t that good enough for him to hear her half-muted words).

The “conflict” is that there is a big fire two days before her wedding. Here comes the part where I was regretting committing to finishing the movie. There’s commotion, as everyone’s trying to evacuate the place, and Poonam’s made it out and her younger sister hasn’t. Now, any sane person would save the younger sister. The most logical rational step IS NOT GOING INSIDE THE FIRE TO SAVE THE SHAADI KA JODA. They saved the set of her bridal clothes before they saved her younger sister and guess who got burnt like a crisp tryna save her younger sister because her dumbass dad saved CLOTHES OVER HIS DAUGHTER?. yeah, so now Poonam’s got third-degree burns. I really need you to imagine this situation, and the first thing you could’ve possibly asked the doctor regarding YOUR DAUGHTER WHO HAS THIRD-DEGREE BURNS!!!!. YOU DO NOT ASK: “it’s her wedding married tomorrow, how will she get married”. YOU’RE LUCKY SHE ALIVE. MAYBE IF YOU’D HAD THE SENSE TO HAVE CHUTKI INSTEAD OF THE LEHENGA, NOBODY WOULD BE IN THIS SITUATION.

even then, the marriage being the top concern genuinely piss me off, even the doctor looked surprised, like i’m sure they might think she threw herself into the fire atp. then the doctor says the good news: her face is intact! it’s only the rest of the body! hurrah! the looks are all still there, there’s still a chance!!!! why did i watch this movie omfg. Prem does the honourable thing and marries her right there in the hospital room. the end!.

Now, while this is hardly ground-breaking cinema, but even as a fun watch, the representation of the characters and the odd romanticization of arranged marriage always rubbed me wrong way. The way Poonam holds no opinion, no personality, no nuance— you could replace her with a sexy lamp and it’d make zero difference. Marriage is not something most women choose enthusiastically or even voluntarily, most often succumbing to familial and societal pressure, because here marriage is not love, it’s a contract. It’s an obligation, a duty good daughters perform without complain. To see this being shown like some sort of mushy cutesy romance without chemistry or banter or even one single conversation where they actually get to know each other— it’s simply frustrating. It also seems insensitive that a victim of third-degree burns is sitting there in unimaginable pain while only her marriage is still a priority. It also seems uncomfortable that because her face is intact, Prem can make the “honourable choice” and marry her. None of the characters seem like real people, it’s full of forced romantic notions of arranged marriage and the only saving grace is how handsome Shahid look and the unintentionally funny “jel lenge” scene. girl, nobody talks like that tf.